I feel sick to my stomach. I feel a heavy pressure on my chest. My breathing becomes more and more superficial and I feel a strong need to distance myself from it as tears starts running down my face. I`m laying there like paralyzed and can`t stop reading while sinking deeper and deeper into fetal position. Maybe unconsciously to protect myself from the horrible story I´m reading. A story that belongs to someone else, but still feels so much like my own. A story about falling in love with a man that initially puts you on a pedestal to later on destroy you piece by piece until you remain only a shadow of who you once were.
As a high sensitive person I`m used to be easily touched and feel deeply, but this was on a whole new level. It sort of shook all of me at the same time as it paralyzed me and totally drained me mentally. It's been almost ten years since a manipulating narcissist with psychopathic traits lured me into his world and into a relationship that would turn into something very destructive. I never had to experience physical violence, but more so mental and verbal abuse. I didn't understand it either until it was too late and today I still wonder what could've happened if an expiring working holiday visa wouldn't have forced me to physically leave him.
People without real life experience may sometimes have a hard time understanding why you don`t leave a person who treats you badly and there`s no short and simple answer to that, but no one would stay if they were treated like crap all the time. The narcissist is an absolute expert on initially charming you, validating you and making you feel special like no other. After some time of love bombing (which could be several months) he/she could drop a comment. One of those comments that don't feel too good, but you push it aside thinking that you're overreacting, which the narcissist will confirm that you do if you choose to bring it up. After some time it might happen again, but this time a little bit worse and eventually you`re starting to stretch your boundaries without even noticing. Step by step you become so broken down that you don't even realize that it's wrong. Your brain becomes kidnapped. You live for those treasured moments when he/she makes you feel amazingly loved, but those moments happen less and less meanwhile the humiliation, manipulation and isolation continues and becomes even more intense. You might blame it on his/her troubled childhood and think that if you`re only more like this or like that, if you only love him/her enough, everything is going to be okay. Your logical brain might realize that that will never happen and you might even have decided to leave and are on your way out the door. Until he/she starts to beg. Ask for forgiveness. Promise you to make a change, go to therapy. Your heart breaks a little and all you want is to make it work, fight for the relationship, for it to be you two again like it used to. So you stay. Time after time. But please, pretty please, don`t do that. These people never change. They make promises and more promises, but never keep them. Leave. Get yourself out of there. Instead surround yourself with people who truly care about you, just the way you are. Believe me, being single is so much better that being with someone who doesn't treat you well.
I know I´m not the first one that this has happened to and just as certain I am that I won`t be the last one. I want to point out that destructive relationships may leave deep wounds and destroy so much of a human being despite no kicks and punches being dealt. It`s so important that we talk about it and not diminish it because we`re ashamed or feel like there are so many others who`ve experienced worse. We all experience difficulties in life differently and how we cope with them is just as individual. Trauma really needs to be addressed and dealt with sooner or later, so start by naming it. Talk to someone or something or just write and let your pen do the work. This book Is unfortunately in Swedish and as far as I know there is no English translation, but there are so many good books about destructive relationships out there, which are so worth reading.