I actually quite like my apartment. It’s small but very well planned and has a large glazed balcony. Additionally it’s just as close for me to walk into town as it is to walk among trees and by the water. In winter I enjoy having a home warm enough not having to wear woolen socks inside, which normally is quite the norm here. But as the sun and the warmth started making its way to Finland I started feeling more and more isolated in my apartment. Anxious. Trapped. The apartment that felt warm and cosy wintertime, now started feeling confined, way too hot and almost claustrophobic. I started with keeping the door and windows open when at home and additionally tried to solve the heat problem with keeping the blinds closed which only led to me feeling even more trapped. So most of the time when I was at home just wanting to relax I sat on my balcony, but since the sun sets on the opposite side of the building I was literally sitting in the shade and I just felt like I was missing out on those lovely summer nights that are quite special to Scandinavia.
Summer in Finland means that everything and everyone comes to life, which is quite the opposite to winter’s “hibernation”. It’s almost like an unwritten rule that if it’s warm and sunny then you are to have fun and enjoy it fully in order to make the most of the short period of light and warm weather that we do get in this otherwise dark and cold country. So you wait for this all year and then when it’s finally here you have to do all the fun stuff that you do in summer and wear all the shorts and the dresses, before it’s too late and you have to wait another year. I really love summer, but I just wish it lasted a bit longer so you had more time to truly take in this wonderful time of year.
That feeling of “being isolated in my apartment” I experienced, I interpret as being a part of a late corona-crisis. I became super frustrated because I thought that the worst emotional dips were over. I felt like I was so wrong as well. Wrong not being happy when it’s summer, because you’re supposed to. And there I was again, trapped in sticky feelings that wanted me to believe things that weren’t true. Trapped in feelings of dejection, anxiety, sadness and a feeling of being disconnected and not belonging anywhere. Where reason knows that I’m worthy, significant and loved, but feelings trick me into believing the opposite. Pulling away from people not having to burden them with the hard feelings and the low mood thinking that no one wants to hang out with such a person. Feeling that way and being an extrovert is not a good combo. My whole body was screaming for affection and connection. So much that it brought me to tears when my almost two year old niece comes walking straight to me giving me a long and sturdy hug (especially when she before that never initiated a hug and would only “let you” hug her).
But this time I knew better. I knew that all thoughts are not true and that I needed to break my pattern, gain control over what can be controlled and accept the things that are out of my power. I analyzed what needs I had. I forced myself to call and talk it out with someone I knew wanted to listen. I forced myself to connect with friends again. And then I also decided to move out to my family’s lake house, at least for a while. Still I won’t be able to go on adventures overseas, but swapping my small warm apartment to a cosy lake house with a lawn and the lake right in front of it was truly an excellent idea. Here I can enjoy being outside without having to go anywhere and I feel so much calmer and more content. So I broke the pattern and made sure I did what I needed to do as well as I could at that given situation and now I feel so much better.
There are people that always complain about everything or are just quietly dissatisfied with their situation. Maybe the dissatisfaction is directed towards their spouse, their job, their home or just life in general. Everybody complains at some point and most people are not able to be 100% happy at all times, but when complaining about the same things becomes a habit or if you constantly dream about a change is it not then time to think things over? Why do I keep going like this if it doesn’t make me happy or serve me? Think about what you don’t quite like about your life and then ask yourself: What can I do to create a change for the better? It doesn’t have to be a big deal or maybe it should be. Is there something you can do? – Do it! Is there nothing you can do to affect the situation? – Learn to accept that and move on. Maybe you have to accept it for now and re-evaluate later? There is no need to waste energy on things you can’t do anything about. Instead put your energy into making your life as meaningful as possible in the ways you can. After all we only get one life, so why don’t we make the most out of it.
[The photo is from my current view at the lakehouse]