I’ve never been a person that gets angry. As a kid I was kind and very much a “good girl” and in my teens I never had a rebellious phase. Even as an adult I very rarely raise my voice and the ones who’ve experienced that first hand are very few, but a little while ago I got to experience that I too can get pretty angry with the right circumstances.
A person I felt safe with, seen and appreciated by. Someone with whom I felt that I could talk about the difficult stuff. Someone I’d started to let in, despite my fear and uncertainty. When such a person hurts you in such a way it just doesn’t feel good. I felt betrayed, deceived and finding out about the occurrence came as a chock. I felt so disappointed, hurt, humiliated and confused and it took me a couple of days to process it all.
The old me would’ve become very upset and wondered what I did wrong and why I’m not good enough. Felt stupid for thinking that this time would be different. She would’ve withdrawn. Grieved in silence. Grieved never being good enough and having to die alone due to not being wanted.
The new me had a different reaction (Thank God!) The new me has got self-esteem and a feeling of self worth. The new me got angry, actually legit angry. I wanted to scream, curse, just punch something. Angry about that kind of behavior, angry about the circumstances and the whole situation. I got so angry that I even was provoked by well-intended words, like “it’s not your fault.” Of course it isn’t! “You shouldn’t blame yourself”. Why would I do that when I wasn’t the one who did wrong?! And then “You’re not a bad person”. In what alternative universe would I become a bad person when someone else does such an awful thing to me?! This time I didn’t withdraw, I surrounded myself with people who chooses me and loves me just the way I am. I gave my body what it needed, listened to it. I punched and kicked like never before during my bodycombat session and got to let the anger out. The new me knows that I’m enough, worthy, loved and deserving of so much better. Intellectually and now also emotionally.
I can get irritated and frustrated if things don’t go according to my plan, but experiencing anger like that was something completely new to me. I’ve never been that angry for that long. It was like all the anger built up over the years was now forcing itself up to the surface. For every time someone treated me badly and I just sucked it up and kept in inside. Collected it all in my body, creating a mess in my nervous system. Like I’d been shaking and shaking a coke bottle and this occurrence was like removing the lid. All the feelings jetting out with such force that it completely drained me. Being that angry and feeling the feelings so strongly really tires you out, I became exhausted, but after having recharged and zoomed out my perspective I feel so much stronger. Strong enough to tear down the walls that unconsciously held me back. Dare to claim my spot and stop shaking the coke bottle with the lid on.
I feel like this was something that I needed. It seems like it was necessary for me to get “a little” angry in order to clean out the pipes, boil out the whole system, heal my trauma. The circle is now closed just in time for me passing my exam and officially being able to call myself a certified mental coach! It feels like all the setbacks, failures and hardship in my life has prepared me for this new path in my career. Like they all were necessary life lessons guiding me to where I am today. Helping me find my way back to my true self, to the person that I’m meant to become. Stronger than ever. Full of life, happiness, inspiration and a strong calling to help others on their life’s journey. Words can’t describe the joy and excitement I feel about this new chapter in my life.
”When you heal what broke you, you will have a breakthrough”
[Photo: Bondi Beach, Sydney, 2011. About a month before I got my first taste of a person with a narcissistic personality]