One of the things I miss most about travelling and living in other countries (at least the countries I’ve lived in) is that you randomly can strike a conversation out of the blue with a person you’ve never met before and nobody thinks that it’s weird. I don’t know how much you know about Finnish people, but we’re generally not known for being good at small talk. Here people assume that a chatty person on the bus is either foreign, drunk or high on some substance. I miss how you check in at your hostel and immediately end up in conversation with a complete stranger by starting with “Hi, where are you from?” and just like that you’ve made a new friend to go adventuring with. Same thing when I move to a new city in a new country. All right, maybe just not magically like that, but there’s nothing weird about being alone and looking for friends, because I just moved there. Of course I don’t have friends. Yet. People invite you to different things because they want to show you what’s great about their country and most of the time they’re super nice and social and they make you feel so welcome. Most of the time I’ve shared housing with others, met people trough work and trough attending social gatherings specifically for foreigners looking to connect with new people. Mostly people are open and happy to get to know new people.
I think I’ve probably never felt as lonely as I felt when moving back to my hometown Jakobstad. Not right away of course. Initially I was busy catching up with all the people I’d missed while away. I had visitors and I was visiting loved ones, ate Finnish rye bread, my mum’s home cooked meals and pick and mix candy. Later on when the news are old news, I’ve met everyone and done everything I’d been looking forward to when coming home. The normal everyday comes along and I move into my own apartment in town and then BOOM. No roommates to chat with in the evenings and friends being busy with their lives, partners, own families (which I completely understand as a fact and don’t mean to guilt trip anyone). Now it’s suddenly taboo to feel lonely, because I grew up here so I should have lots of people to hang out with all the time. It starts feeling embarrassing to feel lonely. Shameful. Feelings of failure. People have their social groups in the small town and you can’t jump in just like that “Hi, here I am, can we be friends?” No, no, no, that’s not how you do it. Small town living is for sure better suited for people in relationships and with families, not so much single people. Especially during a corona pandemic.
Being single during corona hasn’t been my favourite chapter of singlehood, especially not when online-dating really isn’t my thing. Just like other human contact I would prefer to meet my potential dates IRL. Most of the time being single is quite okay, I think I’ve become used to it, but of course I sometimes dream about one day meeting that person that just complements me and my life just in the right way. Having someone just to not be lonely is not my thing. Then I rather fill my life with other meaningful relationships until we cross paths. I just wish that corona would vanish so I could enjoy life as a single person a bit more. Just meet more people, attend more events, travel more and visit friends in other countries.
I know that I’m not alone. I have a wonderful family and lovely friends both near and far, but there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. That feeling is so familiar to me. It is absolutely not constant, but it comes and goes now and then. The feeling of loneliness triggers the same impulses in the brain as when you feel physical pain, so if you sometimes feel so lonely that it hurts there is your explanation. Loneliness is a subjective feeling, which means you can feel lonely even though you have a partner or are surrounded by people. That’s when it feels specifically shameful, when you shouldn’t feel lonely because you have people around you. You can ease the feeling of loneliness by physical touch and connecting with others, that’s how the feel-good hormone oxytocin is released. So spend time with loved ones. Talk about things that deepen your connection with them. Hug as often as you can, your partner, a friend, a baby or even a pet. Or just book a massage. Love and connection is one of the human core needs that needs to be provided for in order for us to feel good. In what ways do you provide for this need in your life?
[The photo is from Koli National Park on a weekend-trip with my mum and sister]