Starting this year my coach asked me what my goal for 2021 was. My answer was to take a chance on love. To really put myself out there. To be brave and to be vulnerable. Taking the fear of hurting and getting hurt by the hand and doing it anyway.
So after clearing out what I’m truly looking for in “my person” I did what was accessible during a pandemic. I did the tinder thing. Again. And man it was uncomfortable. Again. No offence to tinder or the normal, nice people who use the app to find what they’re looking for, but I strongly feel like tinder is not meant for HSP’s, at least not for me. “But you should stop overthinking so much” Oh well, thanks for the advice. Since when has that ever worked for a HSP? I tried dating without the apps too, which I very much prefer, but despite brave attempts it turns out it just wasn’t my time. Yet.
Now with very few days left of 2021 I can proudly say that I stuck to my goal. I took a chance on love and now I’m happy to say that I found it. Not the kind of love I initially intended now almost a year ago. Not the love for another person. Instead I found love within me. A love for myself. The person I am and the person I’m becoming. A love that I can trust, that treats me well. A love that I can always keep with me. A love that I’ll nurture and cherish until the day comes when I find that person I want to share it with.
They say that in order to love someone else you need to love yourself first. For so many years I ignored that message. Unconsciously thought that if I give all of me and all my love it will work out. Oh how wrong could I have been. How am I supposed to love someone else if I can’t even love myself? How is another person supposed to know how to love me if I don’t even know how to love myself? How is a relationship supposed to be in balance if I don’t dare to take up space and ask for what I need and instead make myself small and only give without receiving. How am I supposed to show my true self if I adapt according to the other person's needs and disregard my own?
Being able to notice subtle changes in mood and how other people are feeling is a strength, but when it makes you adapt according to everything you sense just to make others feel at ease and feel happy, it becomes a problem and extremely tiring in the long run. The more I learn about myself, my values, my needs and the highly sensitive side of me, the better I become at avoiding the traps I set for myself. It leads to important insights. The more I take care of myself, respect myself and accept myself just the way I am, the more loving decisions I can make for myself.
Finding the love for myself has been a big deal. From having hated being alone and avoided it at all costs, I now like spending time with myself. I even enjoy it. Instead of fighting to silence the destructive thoughts I now use the energy on other things that give me energy. Instead of belittling my thoughts and feelings I now look at them with curiosity to find out what they’re trying to tell me. In the silence with my own thoughts I get to rediscover what I actually like and enjoy doing. What I truly need in this moment. In the silence I get to rediscover parts of myself that I haven’t given space for in a very long time. I discover how much love there is when I clear out everything that’s blocking the way.
The relationship to yourself is the only relationship that lasts for a lifetime. Nowadays I’m happy in that relationship and I feel like I’m the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. We have our conflicts and ups and downs, but I know we’ll make it through. As long as there is a will and there is love, everything else will be all right. And I’m ready to do the work. In the relationship with myself and with the right person when that time comes.
Wishing you all the love for the rest of the year and the years to come. A love for yourself, for the ones around you and for life itself. Merry Christmas and happy new year!
[The photo is taken last midsummer out by a friend’s lakehouse in Pörkenäs, Jakobstad]