My first real paid vacation has now come to an end and according to the weather forecast so is the summer. The summer has always and will always be my favourite season, so when autumn comes creeping it always makes me feel a bit gloomy knowing that there is a whole long winter ahead until I get to enjoy the warmth of summer again. Especially now when I can’t just catch a plane going somewhere warm to extend the season or catch a mid-winter break.
I was really looking forward to having a proper summer vacation since I’ve always worked the summers I’ve been in Finland. In a perfect (read corona free) world I would’ve taken off to Europe for the whole vacation and visited friends here and there, done touristy stuff, explored new beautiful places and gained new inspiration, but it didn’t feel like the right time just yet so I decided to stay inside the country borders a bit longer. The sensation seeker in me was screaming for adventure and I was worried I’d have nothing to do and feel lonely on my vacation. It felt like everyone else had plans with their partners and families. Like everyone else were getting married, having kids and building their own homes and that I still had no clue where I was going with my life. The uncertainty. That feeling of being the odd one out. The one who peeks through the window and feels happy for them, but the next second realizes that she’s outside. Being invited for a while, but when the evening comes it’s time to go home. Having one foot at home and the other one out in the world. Dreaming about adventure and exciting places, but simultaneously having a heart needing deep human connection longing for something bigger than oneself. That thought pattern was getting started again.
Just before my vacation I experienced an uneasy feeling that lasted for several days. At first I thought that maybe it was just a stubborn hangover, but on the third day I realize that it was something different after all. I felt uneasy, nauseous, sad, had superficial breathing, tense muscles around all of my thorax and neck and my chest was aching. Hello anxiey. We meet again. Whenever I start feeling that way I have no clue what causes what. Is it the worry/anxiety/overstimulation that gives me all these physical symptoms or is it the physical problems that gives me anxiety? Man, the human body, so amazingly complex and full of mystery. And additionally having a highly sensitive nervous system that surprises me by being overstimulated about things I sometimes struggle understanding, I can only establish that I still have lots to learn.
I’ve stopped feeling ashamed of my anxiety and stopped keeping it to myself. Instead I try to stay with it, let the feelings out, accept whatever comes out and talk it out with someone. I quite easily get stuck thinking that I should have my life sorted out by now (or at least some aspect of it), but deep down I know that I don’t need all the answers and that things tend to work out eventually. Trust the process. Let it take the time it needs. During that time there’s nothing that helps more than talking to and spending time with loved ones. Sometimes I feel ridiculous and frustrated by being affected by and feeling everything that strongly. Stuff that others might just pass off without a second thought. But shaming myself and my feelings doesn’t serve me at all. That would only make me feel worse and for a longer time than necessary. Instead I’m working on accepting the situation the way it is. Feeling all the feelings, seeing the negative thoughts for what they are and realize that everything I think doesn’t have to be true. There’s no quick fix and I’m the one responsible for doing the work. To not judge, shame and put myself down and instead breathe it out, cry it out, talk it out, laugh it out, kick it out, punch it out, just get it out. Out with the bad and in with the good. There’s so much good in life, we only need to learn to let go of what brings us down and create space for the things that lifts us up. Dare to let it in and let gratitude fill us up until there’s not much more space for the negatives.
It’s been a lovely summer in so many ways and my vacation turned out to be really nice, despite my worries. During the summer I’ve lived at the lakehouse, gone kayaking, boating, savoured BBQ’s, been swimming and just enjoyed the sunshine. I’ve hiked in Koli National Park, tried a ziplining adventure park and been on a holiday to the Aland Islands. I’ve celebrated birthdays, Midsummer, a wedding and an engagement. I’ve enjoyed live music, met old and new friends and had tasty food and drinks on pub and restaurant patios. It’s been a lot of fun, but getting to share these moments with the lovely, amazing people I’m lucky to call family and friends means everything. You are the light that bring me out of those dark moments. Thank you from the heart.
[The photo is from Koh Phangan, Thailand 2019]